*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?