LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.