My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”