reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.