Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!