There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*