First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
birds and squirrels envy us
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My neck my back my allergy attack
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.