My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.