Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
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i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific