I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
IT’S-A ME,
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably