What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Nigella has gone too far this time.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.