I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
You Might Also Like
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Breaking news:
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.