I want what they have
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Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.