“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*