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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear