Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You Might Also Like
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?