Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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the three branches of government
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind