Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out