Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.