The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?