A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
good work, everybody
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever