I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
You Might Also Like
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀