Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed