I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”