My beach vacation Google searches
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May have had one breakfast too many
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time