WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
this will hang in the louvre one day
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.