[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
You Might Also Like
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music