Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared