Florida man
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted