Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Ummm
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
shut up and take my money
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.