You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
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{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Match dot com, but for socks.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy