If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush