Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.