Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.