My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
This could be us… but you playing
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*