accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.