Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
seems fine
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.