Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.