and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.