Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.