My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
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Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Lmbo
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.