Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
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If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
“i miss shittin on people”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.