[montage of me giving-up]
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The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Need this in my life lol
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped