I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
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I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Xylophonist Shredding It
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.