Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
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5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”