Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I triple waxed for this?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Whoa 😂
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.