#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Heroic Misunderstanding
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
*puts my mental health in rice
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime