VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You Might Also Like
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Thursday
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.