It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Legend 🤣🤣
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.