Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Do not steal food from the science building!
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.